Shame, Shame, Shame…

Hey y’all! How are you doing?

No really how are you? Good and fine are not acceptable answers. Really check-in with yourself, consult an emotions wheel.

Before I dig in on this post, I want us to take some deep breaths. Inhale at the top of your lungs and hold - one, two, three. Exhale through your mouth - one, two, three. Repeat. In…Out.

I want to talk about mental health and not in the way of “everyone struggles and just get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel..blah blah blah.” I want to talk about the real vulnerability around sharing and the shame around holding it in.

I recently saw someone else’s mental health crisis unfold and it left me unsettled. I felt so concerned for this person, but there was another emotion I could not quite pin point. My body had a physical reaction and went into more of a “protection” mode. I was shorter with people, annoyed, but also felt like I was not giving myself the space to process these feelings. Then it hit me.

I saw this person (and by anyone else’s standards they are really good person) just unravel. Then I thought, that could be me. Then, I felt shame because I can’t let that be me. I can’t have these “bad” feelings. Especially growing up in the Church and in a Black household, bad feelings are not real or they should be “prayed away.”  That doubled the shame because I looped that upbringing with the though of “ I just have to be okay.” Keep pushing no matter what toll this is taking on you. But there was a point I was quite literally not okay. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to clean, I felt alone, I was mad at God because prayer didn’t seem to take this pit out of my soul, debt was building up and I just wanted peace. I had the thought “if I don’t wake up tomorrow, at least I will have peace.” That is not say I wanted to die but I just wanted all those bad feelings to go away. They weren’t supposed to be there.

Then I had brunch with two of my close friends. That brunch gave me relief. I wasn’t the first person to feel like this and I wouldn’t be the last. It was okay to have an opposite feeling of joy and happiness. That is why the emotion existed anyway. They helped me realize 1. I couldn’t hold on to the shame rooted in hiding the fact I was not okay and 2. that allowing myself to feel sadness and grief would allow me process those feelings and move on. Crazy how there are certain people in your life for the right moments. After that I knew this chapter would not be forever.

That was a few years ago, but this whole incident brought me back to that feeling. However this time, I had some more candid conversations around stress, anxiety, and quite frankly wanting to disappear. Which allowed for my friends to open up and address that they have had the exact same feelings! Funny how we just hold it all in and function as if we aren’t one bad day away from crashing out.

Everyone has a struggle or can be struggling. Quite honestly you will never hear me say to “just pray,” or make cliché remarks on how to get better. Those do way more harm and still make you feel as though something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You still have value and matter even if you are feeling low. It is just something to work through. It is not easy work and sometimes takes a village, some prayer, some medication, etc. to balance all out. And I promise that is okay too.

There is no such thing as good or bad feelings. There are just feelings. We should feel them and release them. So take another deep breath and hold for one, two, three. Now release for one, two, three.

Now, I’ll ask again - how are you today?